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Why
Women Talk, Men Don’t,
And What A Woman Should Do About It
Women have a need to
talk about the way they are feeling, whereas men don’t. Men need
to go away and work things out quietly by themselves and they
usually do this by doing something constructive. This is why men
have sheds, places they go to for solace, to do stuff, because,
unlike women who find relief in talking and talking about their
feelings, men find relief by doing things and often in silence.
It is believed that
the tendency for women to want to talk about their emotions and for
men to want to be quiet about theirs stems from our earliest
beginnings as hunter - gatherer tribes. As hunters, men spent a
great deal of time away from the women on hunts, a job that required
that men not speak together but do together in silence. It also
required, at least on the surface, a show of courage, because
failing in a hunt could be devastating to the tribe. If a man was
feeling afraid or vulnerable his role in the tribe required he keep
it to himself, either that, or risk being outcast.
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This is alien to
women, because it is, and was, the opposite for them. As the
gatherers of the tribe the women’s job required a different
approach. While gathering and preparing food, and depending on each
other to look after the children, women were required to became
highly conversant and used conversation to bond with each other and
to gauge how each other was feeling. A woman withholding
conversation from another was a clear sign that something was wrong.
This is why women are uncomfortable when a man isn’t speaking much
because she reads it that something is wrong with him and this will
usually lead her to ask him how he is feeling.
When a woman asks a
man how he is feeling, it tends to cause a visceral reaction in him.
Men do not like to be asked how they are feeling and it is not the
way they bond. Expressing emotions is something he’d rather not do
and a woman needs to know this. She also needs to know that the more
she pushes a man to open up and share his feelings with her, the
more he is likely to shut down and withdraw from her. It is not that
he won’t share his feelings with her, he will, but this tends to
be after he has worked them out for himself first.
When a woman finds
the man that she is with is more quiet than usual the best approach
she can take is to let him know she’s available to listen if he
wants to talk about anything and leave it that. By making herself
available, but leaving it to him to decide if and when he wants to
talk with her, she will have demonstrated understanding for his
process and by doing this will have made it easier for the man she
is with, to open up to her when he is ready.
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